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Yes another to keep you mildly entertained...
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 64 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough
to have it published in The Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honour it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only fourteen years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal
Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which
I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
( Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier)
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
(The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service).
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English
While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it
doesn't take much to piss us off!!
_________________
keep your friends close and your enemies even closer
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